Friday, March 19, 2010

return of The Aunda (Your Questions continued)

Merry Monteleone's question was more of a statement: I'd like an Aunda story.

Well, Merry, you asked for it. The Aunda has been up to some serious hijinx lately; it's just that I've been censoring stories. You'll see why.

For those of delicate temperaments, please be advised that the Aunda is my extremely raunchy 88-year-old Italian great aunt. She does not play by any rules and she does not care what you think. (For those who would like an illustrative portrait, here she is showing off her zucchini crop.)

So consider yourself duly warned.

Why There Are So Many Divorces These Days (Conjugal Advice from the Aunda)
My brother's girlfriend and I were sitting around the kitchen table a couple weekends ago, listening to the Aunda tell us stories about her childhood and her first years in America, when she was in her twenties. For several years, she worked at a coffee pot factory on the assembly line. She learned something at that factory.

"Do you know," she told us, "if you look at how big is a man's nose"--here she had to lean in and lower her voice so my uncle, who was sitting in the next room, wouldn't hear--"you can see how big is the, the," and here she gestured crotch-ward.

BGF and I looked at each other with shiny bald eyeballs. "How big is the what, Aunt Con?" I asked.

"The man-part," she said. "You can tell how big, if you look at how big is the nose." She knows all about how we modern girls are concerned with penis size.

"Aunt Con!" I said in my best scandalized voice. "How do you know?"

"Oh, no me," she said, waving. "My friend, she tell me."

"But how did SHE know?!"

"Oh, she KNOW," the Aunda said.

My brother's girlfriend is unhelpfully sitting by in fits of giggles.

[I should interject at this point that she refers to my brother's girlfriend as his wife, and to the RM as my husband (including labeling food/care packages for me with his last name), because of the cohabitation problem. The RM and I had lived together for more than than three years before she found out; she bullied me into admitting it to her, saying "I no mind, I know gyals today live with their boyfrien," and that I shouldn't be afraid to tell her the truth. Not being a great liar, I confessed, at which point she proceeded to burst into tears and weep that no one would marry me now. Awkward.

"What about my brother?" I asked her. "He lives with his girlfriend!"

She answered, "And no one will marry that girl now, either!"

"What were you thinking?" my mother asked me later, when this irrupted into yet another fight at the dinner table. "Why didn't you just lie to her?" There we go. My mother is a proponent of lying to my 88-year-old aunt. And I can't say she's morally incorrect. Not that my moral standpoint is any good anymore.]

"You know," she went on, "sometimes ladies, they leave their husband because they want it bigger. When I got married, we no get divorce. We stay married, good, bad. Now, people get divorce all the time."

BGF and I nodded dutifully. We'd heard about that, too.

"You know why so many divorce?" She had to lean in again for this. "Sometimes, the man, you know, he wants the wife to put the man-part in her mouth."

BGF and I looked at each other in horror again. The Aunda took this as a good sign.

"Of course, the wife, she no want to put it in her mouth. So the husband, he divorce and find a new wife who does that."

"That's... that's awful," I choked out.

"Disgusting, some men," she went on. "They want to put it in the mouth." She made a face to show us what she thought of that. "Or they want to put it other places. In il cul'. Or here!" At this point she gestured to her armpit. I can say this is the moment in which the conversation became truly educational, for I, with my fancy college degree, had never heard of that particular act before.

I think that's about all the Aunda news I can bear to put down at present. Maybe next time, I'll tell you a kitchen story, like about how she tried to teach me to make meatballs, or the time she made me make her French toast "my way" (I'll give you a hint: neither story has a happy ending).

39 comments:

Corinne said...

THE ARMPIT.

You just made my day. Nothing like choking from laughter before you're even properly dressed for the day :D

brionywilliamson said...

That is the second time I've heard armpits mentioned in that context this week. Frankly, I'm concerned.

By the way, The Aunda must never meet my grandfather. I would also point out that my verification word today is EXUALES.

Derek Gentry said...

Wow. Never again will I be so casual about applying deodorant.

Claire Dawn said...

This is my first Aunda story and I'm loving it! She reminds me of Golden Girls' Sofia. lol

Anyhow gotta go. Need to go check out some nose sizes. :D

Pamala Knight said...

Yay! The return of the Aunda. What a great way to start my morning--with a chuckle.

Thanks.

Melanie Avila said...

This made my morning -- thanks!

Imogen said...

Thank you for brightening my rainy english Friday!...

Anonymous said...

lol awesome, made my friday.

jim

Karen C said...

Ah, this explains the new KY ultimate satisfaction underarm enhancer. :)

Greg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jill Myles said...

I am so working some 'man part meets arm pit' into my next romance.

CKHB said...

The armpit thing reminds me of a quote I once read in one of those 1970s how-to sex books: "THE BIG TOE IS AN EXCELLENT SUBSTITUTE."

Yeah, I don't have any idea what they're talking about, either.

Word Verification: loins

No, really.

Jon Sprunk said...

The Aunda is wise.

Paolo said...

ahaha You crack me up, your great aunt sounds exactly as my grandma:)

David said...

This was an extremely educational post.

I guess I should be glad I have a big nose. I have often regretted it and thought that women were staring at it because it repelled them. Now I know better.

(The word verification I just got is "buccu", which looks almost Italian!)

Anonymous said...

irrupted into? (pedantic I know, but can't help myself)

WendyCinNYC said...

You don't know about armpit sex? My, my. Aren't you naive.

Jemi Fraser said...

The armpit?? Well. Who knew? :)

Thanks for the laugh to start the day!

CKHB said...

Kevin Smith just tweeted about armpit sex. What is going ON today?!?!

Merry Monteleone said...

I heart the Aunda. Thank you moonie - this so totally made my friday. My aunt taught me how to make meatballs - she also tasted them RAW to make sure the seasoning was right. Sorry, mine are pretty good but I'm not tasting raw meat, not even if you pay me.

By the way, I agree with momrat - you soooo should have lied :-)

moonrat said...

Anon--yeah, I typed this post REALLY fast. I've caught a number of horrifying errors. Lucky I'm not in a profession that values precision of expression or anything.

Watery Tart said...

*dies* Ohmygawd--I LOVE her! I think everyone needs an aunt like that!

That husband/wife thing is actually widespread. My bestfriend is a nurse practitioner who works with mostly Latinas, and when they come in pregnant and unmarried the partner is forever after the 'esposo' anyway because he's the babydaddy.

Matthew Delman said...

Moonie, your Aunda reminds me of my Italian grandma. Same spitfire personality and lack of caring about what people think.

I love this story!

Dawn Simon said...

Awesome way to kick off my Friday writing. :) Thanks for sharing.

JES said...

In a way, I'm very glad to know that this conversation and the making-of-meatballs story were not the same story.

This was great, Moonie. Now that you've brought up those kitchen stories, you do know you'll have to share them, too -- right?

Daniel W. Powell said...

Oh my, Moonrat! Funniest slice-of-life blogpost I've read in ages. You write well...

How can any story involving meatballs possibly end badly?

Jennifer Ambrose said...

Fantastic post. I can't even muster a witty comment. Just a thank you for sharing!!

Chris Eldin said...

OMG! I am cracking up!! This is one of the funniest posts ever! And Aunda should write a book...:-)

Ashley A. said...

I love this post. Love it. But I want to know: is she like Sofia, or is she more like Bernice in Designing Women?

As an obsessive editorial sort, I have to say the line that made me laugh the hardest was your dismissive nod towards (not) working "in a profession that values precision of expression or anything."

And you've opened up a whole can of worms here, sister. What DO people who live together call each other? It pisses me off every time I have to say I am "dating" the man I live with. We have 5 kids, for Aunda's sake. I WANT to go on a date sometime instead of to a chorus concert or mite league game or dance recital or science night or GameStop.

bookewyrme said...

Oh my goodness. I just recently started following, so I'd not heard an Aunda story before. She sounds like a real trip! Thanks for the giggle. And the information about armpits. *grins evilly* I must now share that with my husband...

~Lia

A.B. Fenner said...

Advance apologies that this comment is heinously off-topic. Your Aunda story was hilarious, btw.

I've been flailing around your site for a while and can't find an email. You've probably chosen to leave it off so you won't get crazy messages from people like me.

I just saw this picture, totally snorfled my coffee through my nose, and thought Moonrat would appreciate this. Because it concerns The Wheel of Time and I've been stalking you for a while, in a non-commenting reader kind of way.

I hate to hotlink this image directly (it's non-virusy, SFW, but not safe for coffee-drinking), but don't know how else to share. Enjoy.

http://www.claireity.net/cover.png

Tawna Fenske said...

I would totally buy a book of Aunda stories. Will you make one for us?!

Tawna

moonrat said...

AB--oh my gosh! no email address anywhere? i better fix that.

you can reach me anytime with whatever randomness you choose at

moonratty AT gmail DOT com

and yeah, awesome cover :)

joelle said...

I need more aunda stories. Are there more in the archives? Also, as a gardener (okay, my husband is the gardener, I'm the cook) I'm way impressed by that zucchini. I am going to get him to try growing it that way! More pics of her garden, please! Maybe she should do a blog!

ggwritespoetry said...

OMG! Too funny!

Ello said...

ah the indignity of armpit sex. Is this before or after shaving?

Sharon Mayhew said...

Those are some zuccini! And Wow your aunt is something special. :)

kimberlyloomis said...

Omg - that zucchini could make about 10 loaves of zucchini bread!!! And, wow... I just gots me some of that sexual education from her.

writtenwyrdd said...

I almost peed myself with that one. And the revisit to the zucchini...ah, the memories. Thanks for sharing!