Friday, January 22, 2010

Dear Spammers

I do not require a Russian bride at present. Thank you to those of you who have so politely asked/offered.

Thank you for your kind interest, but despite whatever correspondence you seem to think you have received, I did not place a large order for Viagra this week. Or last week, or the week before. Etc.

I'm sure your imitation Rolex is, in fact, "breathtaking," but I simply don't wear watches, although thank you for asking. 642 times.

Mr. "Abrahan," I'm not sure what "real anti-fungal charity organ" is, but no, I don't think I "need" it, after all.

Mr. Boitemulo, Mr. Bolanie, and Ms. Brandy, I am curious that all three of you are so concerned that I "boost my lust." Since you all seem to have this interest in common, perhaps you can form some sort of internet support group to talk about it?

Mr. or Ms. Ayotunde, I am so relieved to hear you have the "best price," but your email was unfortunately unclear on what specifically the best price merchandise is, so I think I will be passing.

Toyota Promotions coordinator, I thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart for your numerous gifts of 500,000 British pounds. I only wish I could cash those checks in dollars, or in fact that I could drive your lovely little cars. But since I can't, I suppose your generosity is of little help to me. Alas.

Sincerely yours, 847 times a day,

Moonrat

34 comments:

Valerie Geary said...

Ahhh... you speak truth... my favorite is when I get an email telling me I won the British Lottery! Wee!! I don't even have to play to win! What a great game! :D

Matthew Delman said...

We get the Viagra emails a lot too. My personal favorites though?

The ones that come through with emails like bankofamerica@verizon.net or something. They're so clearly fake that my only reaction is "oh come on, spammers. Try a little!"

A.R. Norris said...

Loved it! Too bad it probably swooshed right over their thick skulls.

Great post.

Indigo said...

I hear you. The most amusing by far are the illiterate misspelled letters. I want to trust someone that spells worse than I do? Really. Surprise, surprise.

Lindsey Himmler said...

I so wrote about my correspondence with a spammer today on my blog - and then I saw you had posted this. There must be something in the air-waves.

CKHB said...

What I want to know is... why do I get all the penis enlargement spam, while my husband gets the boob enhancement spam? I don't think we have gender-ambiguous names, and yet it's really flawlessly misplaced demographics work for all parties.

Or maybe they think we're supposed to sneak the drugs into the other one's food? TRICKY.

Wendy Sparrow said...

LOL. I keep getting Toyota and lottery spam too. I feel less special and luckier at the same time because I don't get some of those other ones. The spam doesn't annoy me so much as the sites newsletters that I can't seem to shake no matter how many times I unsubscribe. I don't have a 12-18 year old child and we no longer follow a gluten-free diet. Unsubscribe. Unsubscribe. Le sigh.

fairyhedgehog said...

I've started getting one from an Official Viagra supplier. Well, I wouldn't want to go with an Unofficial one, would I?

Sarah Laurenson said...

My Russian bride-to-be Elena sent me her e-mail from David Gordon's e-mail address. You suppose she's cheating on me already?

Barbara said...

Ooooh, I must be special. The Prince of Nigeria keeps emailing me, and I don't even think Nigeria has a monarchy, so it's extra special.

WendyCinNYC said...

I hate it when I buy one pretty top online, and then the company (and all the company affiliates) SPAM ME FOREVER AND ETERNITY. Gah, not worth it. I'm looking at YOU, Gap.

Jannette Johnson said...

I kept getting one that claimed my email had been drawn from thousands of others to win the big U.K lottery.

And then, of course, there's the bank account in some third world country that has millions in it, and the banker who wants to share it with me.

Keith Popely said...

The spammers must be streamlining, because I get those same ones. My favorite is the names they come up with so the email looks like it's coming from a real person and sneaks through my spam file. You gotta give them credit for a name like Cassandra Salazar. Now that I think about it, that'd be kind of a cool character name.

fairyhedgehog said...

Keith, I started a file of spammer names for just that reason. (It wasn't my idea but it's a good one.)

Keith Popely said...

FairyHedgeHog,
Cool. Can we hear a few of them?

fairyhedgehog said...

That file is on my other pc so I'll have to try to remember to look for it.

I had two lists, one for "real" names like Natalia Borgonoski, and one for names like Matrix Direct and Halloween Candy. I started writing a story with the latter two.

Keith Popely said...

Nice. I love Matrix Direct. Great company. I buy all my Matrix-related wares there. And I get them directly!

Crystal Posey said...

ROFL Awesome.

Charles Gramlich said...

You said it. Man spam is irritating.

Judy Gasperini said...

Take that you spammers! I remember when I actually used to like getting email. Now, 95% of it is spam so I just use the check all box and hit the delete key.

Kimberly Kincaid said...

My husband is a network architect (betcha didn't even know they had those, but they so do!) and our anti-spam software is ironclad like Fort Knox in a lockdown...but right about now, for one tiny minute, I'm feeling a little green with envy over the spam y'all get!

I want to win the lottery too. Just sayin' ;)

Thanks for the laugh. Needed it!

A.R. Norris said...

I keep getting an email from "My Aunt" who is stuck in London and needs money to return home because someone stole her purse.

Problem is my Aunt doesn't fly...ever.

...Maybe she swam there...

Whirlochre said...

Can't fault their work ethic.

Most of these offers are personally delivered to everyone.

Nadine said...

I'm so with you! I don't know what I signed up for recently, but I get at least six viagra e-mails a day!

chris said...

You left out the Acai berry people. :)

A.L. Sonnichsen said...

LOL! Thanks for this post. Absolutely perfect.

It's hard to believe some people actually fall for some of these. Like, "Dearest, I have ten million dollars in a Swiss bank account and I am dying. If you contact me I will give you all my money because I need someone to take it before the mafia does. Please help!!!"

My mom was telling me about this one guy who was taken in by a scam like this and ended up sending thousands of dollars to these people to help them get their money out of the bank so he could have it ... Huh?!?

_*Rachel*_ said...

No Russian bride? Well, then, would you like a Scandinavian groom?

I've found that Yahoo and Gmail have been pretty good at sorting out spam. I do get ads and newsletters from a few stores and magazines, but I signed up for it and, while they mostly go unread, I subscribed.

Bernita said...

My internet provider maintains a really good spam filter, but I check it just in case a legitimate email has been tagged.
Really amused by the number of luscious Russian women wanting to marry me!

Sam said...

DEAREST ONE WHO LOVE VIAGRAA:

Get a cup of coffee, take 15 minutes, and go to your email settings (NOT your antivirus/spam software).

I can barely find the on and off button on my laptop, so if I can figure this out, you can, too.

In your email, look for settings, preferences, or filters.

Make up rules. Tell your email to bounce (meaning don't download) any email with Viagra. You will have to make a new rule for each spelling (Viagraa, @Viagraa, etc.), which is why you get the coffee and set aside 15 minutes. Keep going and add Dearest one for the Nigerian scam, etc.

Believe me, trust me, this will knock out a ton of spam.

Imogen said...

We get the lovely stuff at work too - obviously we want viagra and mail order brides and plastic surgery; after all, it is a truth universally acknowledged that every good botanical garden needs a penis extension...

fairyhedgehog said...

I love that comment, Imogen, it had me laughing out loud!

Sam Albion said...

I'm after a "hairy wolf man", so if anyone gets any spam from really really hairy wolf men types, let me know... there's a reward* too!




(*reward has no monetary value)

Voidwalker said...

LOL.... I love it!

I've been attacked, er, spammed, by some of those same services.

Bill said...

If only .5% of the spam turns into a sale, it's profitable to spam. Since AT LEAST one out of every 200 people who somehow scrapes up the money to buy a computer is provably an idiot, it looks like spam is here to stay.