Sunday, May 03, 2009

the Rally Monkey on unexpected outcomes of colonialism

[RM is of Filipino descent]

Rally Monkey: Now look. The Spaniards violently conquered my people, oppressed, slaughtered, and tortured them for four hundred years. But when I see a Spaniard, do I go beat him up? No, no I don't. I just think to myself, why do you guys all wear such tight pants? I can't help but be ashamed that my ancestors were conquered by skinny people in tight pants.

25 comments:

annathepiper said...

This made me LOL today. Thank you! And also, RM! :)

Kim Kasch said...

Maybe the tight pants are the reason. Might make them a bit grumpy to be soooo confined. Kind of like spurs and latigo in bull riding.

Susan said...

Loved it!

Where we live in Ireland, we often joke about hating the English for the same reasons---then occasionally we run into someone who REALLY hates them, seems to take 700 years of oppression very personally, and you think, whooooa duuuuude.... we've got to move on. I like RM's attitude.

Can't help recall that I've never met a Filipino person who didn't have amazingly beautiful eyes. You can tell us--is he gorgeous?

Crystal Posey said...

*laughs 'till tears come*

moonrat said...

Susan--*i* unfortunately think he's pretty darn cute. he uses that knowledge for much ill.

Anita said...

I sooo agree with Kim.

gringo said...

Remind the Rally Monkey that the Spaniards brought some sort of a bad-assed diety along. Tight pants or not, it's pretty much what did in Mexico as well. Another problem that his heritage and my adopted culture had in common, we couldn't decide on a language. How many dialects of Tagalog are there? How many Mexican indigenous languages were there?

My rule of not being conquered is this: Everyone needs to speak the same language or they're screwed. Tight pants or no tight pants.

Heather Hansen said...

ROFL!!!

Pamala Knight said...

LOL!! The Rally Monkey SLAYS ME. Maybe the conquerors were wearing shiny, tight pants and if they're anything like me, then the shiny mesmerized them. And let's face it, shiny and tight wins over flat and loose any day.

The RM is going to need a book all his own if he keeps this up. His public will demand it.

writeidea said...

OMG, there should be an alert on this post. I almost snorted coffee out my nose.

PurpleClover said...

Does it bother him for Penelope Cruz to wear tight pants??

hehe.

Miriam S.Forster said...

I think tight pants are a conqueror thing. The British wore tight pants for a long time. So did the French. Napoleon is often portrayed in tight pants, which is unfortunate because Napoleon was no skinny Spaniard.

(Does anyone else have The Princess Bride in their heads right now? "You've bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you would have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from you as possible...")

Chris Eldin said...

AHAHAHA! Funny monkey, he.

writtenwyrdd said...

I heart Rally Monkey!

Now, what I want to know is do you squee in delight and rush off to blog about these amusing as hell comments he makes, or are you that good at remembering the conversation for later? Given his earlier comments about your blogging, I'm guessing the former.

moonrat said...

Miriam--you WOULD go bring the Great Vizzini into this.

Writtenwyrdd--the former, I'm afraid. Woopsies.

JES said...

I'm possibly crossing some unspoken boundary here -- and if so, apologies in advance -- but just out of curiosity have you ever explained his nickname as you use it here? I just did a couple searches through your posts and comments, and haven't found any explanation or, for that matter, any questions about it.

I keep thinking of "rally" in a car- or road-rally sense, which makes little sense for a guy who lives in NYC. (Or maybe that's just a fantasy alter ego -- something he wishes were true?)

Lara said...

That reminds me of Trainspotting. Hee:

Some people hate the English, but I don't. They're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonized by wankers. We can't even pick a decent culture to be colonized by.

moonrat said...

JES--i never have, come to think of it, but since you ask so nicely... (and you DID ask for this long and miserable story)

the fact is, the Rally Monkey kind of looks like a monkey. particularly Curious George, especially when he hasn't had a haircut in awhile. i thought this when i first met him, but didn't say anything, since i realized some people might not take it as a compliment.

but since my mother raised us to call everything "monkeys" (in a cute way), when i got to know him better (maybe we'd been together 6 months?) it slipped out (something like wow, you're such a monkey, or something equally cute, since i'm always so cute).

well anyway, he responded by saying, "what? what did you call me? a monkey? do you realize how racist that is? just because you're white doesn't mean you can call other people monkeys."

so i felt terrible and embarrassed. a couple weeks later, he started joking about it in front of friends, how he had "gotten such a rise out of me" and convinced me i was racist for calling him a monkey, wasn't that funny, hahaha.

so now *i* was peeved. in retaliation, i went out and bought him a stuffed monkey for valentine's day. this was meant to be revenge. i mean, what 34-year-old man wants a stuffed monkey?

but he takes it out of the box, goes, "oh hey, you know the Angel's mascot? the rally monkey? doesn't it look just like the rally monkey?" (i don't know anything about baseball except what i've been trained to recite.) but hence the name. and he proceeded to prop the stuffed monkey up on his headboard, where it has say lo these last many years.

the trouble is, the STUFFED monkey (who speaks in a bad british accent not unlike stewie's in family guy) feels free to tell me things that a boyfriend would never get away with. like, "those pants a bit tight there? perhaps if you hadn't had all that CAKE." and then the MAN says, "hey, if you didn't want me to PLAY with the monkey, why did you buy it for me?"

JES said...

Oh, I love that story -- thanks so much for posting it!

(Obviously I don't follow baseball, either, as the Angels connection went right by me.)

Melanie Avila said...

What IS that about, anyway?

JES said...

Melanie: You mean the Angels thing? This.

Christa Rickard said...

LOL...and kept LOL'ing. Too funny.

Oh, and VERY cute story about Rally Monkey's name!

Miriam S.Forster said...

Yeah, I did go there. :-) Is there a twelve-step program for silly-movie quoters?

And the Rally Monkey story is adorable! (as long as he's not an evil stuffed monkey with glowing red eyes...)

I_am_Tulsa said...

I am now officially a Rally Monkey fan!

Maggie Stiefvater said...

I was forced to read this out loud to my own Love Slave, who while normally intolerant of my readings-aloud, laughed this time.

So it must mean that the Rally Monkey is universally funny.