Thursday, July 03, 2008

Exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't

Melanie and I decided to spend tonight sitting on her couch and watching movies (an excellent decision on all counts). So far, we have watched STOP-LOSS and FIRST KNIGHT. (Also excellent decisions. Although should Jerry Zuker be reading this, we would like to point out to him that the crossbow was introduced in Europe during the Hundred Years' War, and the first recorded incidence of the windmill in England was in the twelfth century, so it is possible that neither was quite appropriate to his conception of 7th century Camelot, but we are highly forgiving.) But now I want to take out a couple of moments to celebrate Melanie's bathroom.

Melanie has decorating the walls of her bathroom a number of posters she had to make for in fifth grade for her English class for a project about how not to write. They are in multi-colored magic marker and each one contains an example of a bad simile or metaphor. This is why whenever I pee at her house it takes me an unusually long time--I have to read each and every one of them.

Some of my favorites:

The small boat glided gently across the pond, exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds that had also never met.

His thoughts tumbled around in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without any Cling Free.

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

Her eyes were like big brown circles with little black circles in the middle.

His vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.


ChrisEldin said...

I LOVE these!!

Doesn't the Washington Post do a collection of these every once in a while? I'll have to go check....

ChrisEldin said...

I found it!!!

I hope the URL doesn't get chopped. It's from March 14, 1999.
(Now I feel like a geek)

moonrat said...

chris!! you ROCK!

Froog said...

Sometimes these warped similes can actually work. Douglas Adams had a great line - in the first Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy book, I think - about how hovering alien spaceships "hung in the sky, in exactly the way that bricks don't".

Happy 4th July, MR!

moonrat said...

thanks, Mr. Froog! it means something special coming from a brit in china!

Ian said...

Each one is like a teeny tiny Bulwer-Lytton appetizer. :)

Wakai Writer said...

Am I the only one who thought these were amazing, beautifully ironic similes that would immediately set the tone for a book, short story, character, etc.?

Like for reals, they could be writing prompts.

...or maybe I just need to learn to write. ;-p

Charles Gramlich said...

Lol. I've seen some of these but I'm not sure where. They're hilarious, though

pacatrue said...

These similes are like droppings from Shakespeare if he was a bird who took a bath in metamucil.

green_knight said...

Please go back and transcribe some more. These are awesome!

JES said...

Those are GREAT.

But, er, am I missing something, or did you say that Melanie wrote them for a 5th-grade English class? Is this a class she TAUGHT, or a class she TOOK?

If the latter, she must have been some kind of "Rain Man" 5th-grader. Wow.

writtenwyrdd said...

I've seen a couple of those similes on that old email that circles about the internet every year or so. They are always funny.

Mags said...

Precisely how cool is Melanie, if I may inquie?

For instance, if a complete stranger (let's use me as an example) was to knock on her door carrying paper, scotch tape, and a set of felt tip markers, and stated that she'd like to borrow Melanie's bathroom the way a chicken yearns for the means to use a Thigh Master, would she call the police do you think?

Janna Qualman said...

Hi there. Found you along the course of my meanderings through Bloggerland. :)

Very bad similes and metaphors. So then very good for a chuckle. Thanks for sharing these!

Absolute Vanilla (& Atyllah) said...

Brilliant! I love these warped similes - as remarkable as a dark and stormy night stuff!
(And there I thought I was being creative writing excerpts of poetry on the wall next to my front door.)

The Trouble With Roy said...

I like each of those examples of writing.

Also, they remind me of the way Douglas Adams wrote.