Monday, June 23, 2008

Hopefully I'll get famous someday.

And the reason why that would benefit the world is this. Someday someone needs to publish my diaries. They are true pieces of work. God, what a weirdo I have been.

My parents are in the process of moving to a new house and I went over a couple of weekends ago to help them pack stuff up. In the process, out came many boxes that had been put into storage many years ago and never thought of again. In one of these boxes was a diary I kept the year I was 17. It's a 400-page notebook, and every millimeter of every page, both sides, is full of stuff.

Here are some samples, taken at random, so you can see what a weirdo I was. (Nb use of the past tense.) The best part about this is everything is so out of context that I have no idea what crises I was referring to. Brace yourself.

Beset by confusion and feelings of overwhelm...Should be asleep. Overwhelmed not so much by things to do but by opportunities wasted. Hours I could have filled but instead forgot, or slept through. Dollars I ate away with food I didn't really want and knew would make me fat. Also the knowledge of all the futilities yet to come.


How did my mother not kill me?

Can't dont know what to do certain of bringing down ruin on self & others just ARGH is only something could have happened to have made this easier but I think the easiness factor of the situation has reached a parabolic vertex. The worst part about the whole thing is I can't even isolate what I want, never mind dissect it.


[Lots of mixed sciences. I imagine this was referring to a crush on someone because I can't figure out what else I could be talking about.]

Furthermore, it is plastered full of pictures, memorabilia, poetry I used to write, and other add-in pages. It's pretty amazing.

I was a compulsive diarist. This particular diary is only one of many I kept before I went to college. Is anyone else like this?

20 comments:

Wakai Writer said...

Parabolic Vertex sounds like the name of an indie band.

That's all I have to share. ;-p

Travis Erwin said...

You were way more complex than I was at that age. You could have summed up my mindset at that age with two words ... am horny.

Jaye Wells said...

I snarfed diet coke when I read "parabolic vertex." And, yes, I have many diaries filled with angst-ridden verse and hormone-drenched longings.

JES said...

Egad. Just... egad.

I've always been a compulsive writer but keeping a journal/diary -- other than intermittently -- has always felt too dangerous to me. (Painfully self-conscious.)

Somewhere in the adolescent past, however, there's a journal entry consisting entirely of a poem, the first line of which was, Death is an ebon playpen. Cue "Dr. Phibes"-like sting of organ music.

cindy said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

i did keep many diaries. since fifth grade, with bad english grammar and all. (i'm not quite sure what *your* excuse is. ;*)

i still have them all in my childhood desk, and they are fun to look at and mock myself. (i used to make comments in the margin.) but i don't really look at them any more.

you crack me up, moonie! thanks for the laughs!!

Precie said...

again, I plead the fifth.

Bernita said...

None of mine survive (I hope) They would be intolerably boring anyway.

writeidea said...

Wow, that is some intense teenage angst. Think of the fodder you have if you ever decide to write a YA novel.

Lisa said...

Crises, drama and borderline psychotic emotion are just part of the rite of passage for every teenage girl. I know they were for me and I too have the journal entries to prove it. I give you maximum points for use of language though! :0

Dennis Cass said...

I know this is an (unpardonably) ancient joke but . . . have you been reading my diary? That first entry could have been taken from my journal from when I was 19, which means that not only am I unoriginal, but you scooped me by two years.

And I thought I couldn't feel more embarrassed by those entries.

Thanks, Moonie.

Merry Monteleone said...

I unfortunately had two older brothers that were adept at picking diary locks and would torment me with any benign bullshitty thing they happen to find... I learned this in fifth grade, fortunate as I had yet to utter anything truly worthy of permanent embarrassment scarring.

I did, however have journals, from high school until, well, now... I told myself if they were 'journals' then the diatribes were not so much biographical as they were creative writing... and then went on to write the worst dribbly angsty poetry the world has never seen (lucky world) I've got a box of these suckers, with lines of movies and books scrawled throughout, snippets of stories, hearts with MM + FOTM (Flavor of the month) and the poetry, the beastly nasty, should never have been written dreck...

So yep, I think I was at least as bad as you... though I don't think I ever used 'parabolic vertex'

Anonymous said...

i have been lucky enough to view briefly said diary and let me vouch for ratatat that it is indeed an intense piece of literature (although I was not allowed to read the good bits as surely some of the angst involved yours truly..... "Friendrat, if you feel like you shouldn't be reading a particular page, then don't!" well so I mostly just looked at pictures.

perhaps all of the diarying was a precursor to your blogging days?

Charles Gramlich said...

I posted some stuff from a journal that was ten years old today on my own blog. But it was more focused. Of course, I was already 30 something then. I never kept a diary as a teenager but I still have some of the more angsty poetry I wrote then. Whoa.

Conduit said...

Yeah, that damned parabolic vertex. That gave me all sorts of trouble when I was seventeen.

I never kept a diary, but an old school friend recently found something called 'My Concept Book' when he was moving house - a notebook written by me, full of short stories mostly ridiculing my teachers, and espousing my love of various girls in my class (the object of my affections seemed to change about once a week). I used to be a fairly good cartoonist, so it's also full of various caricatures of teachers. Anyway, it was with a mixture of fond nostalgia and toe-curling embarressment that I read My Concept Book for the first time in twenty years.

I didn't have a chapter on the parabolic vertex, though.

Linda said...

Lot's of drama there... something about raging hormones at that age (I think Travis said it best).

I kept multiple journals. Still do. recently, I 'found' them and started reading. What was scary was recognizing text from a work in progress replicated almost vrebatim in words scrawled some... hmmmm, years ago. Peace, Linda

moonrat said...

Linda!!! Exactly!!! Oh my god, I kind of freaked out to find certain turns of phrase that I thought I'd JUST cleverly dreamed up stuck in this mammoth hormone-ridden diary. Freaky, freaky. I'm plagerizing myself! It makes me nervous about who else I might be stealing from.

Dennis, if it makes you feel any better, I have diaries from when I was 19 (and 21, and 23) that are EXACTLY THE SAME. So there's something missing about eg growth and personal refinement.

Etiquette Bitch said...

moonrat- yes, i am like that. or was.

i'm mid-30s, and still keeping the diary i began at 10, although, i like to think it's not as dramatic now. (read: boring. maybe not?) i think my entries from Me Age 17 were perhaps less mysterious than yours, but plenty of references I wouldn't get now. "Jeff asked me out." who is Jeff? I have no idea.

but plenty of teenage angst, and hating all adults.

ggwritespoetry said...

I had didn't keep a diary, but I kept a poetry and romance stories "Journal." I remember all my friends borrowing and reading them as they were penned in jr. high. They loved them. I do remember my father throwing them out after I left for college, it was a great service to publishers everywhere, I assure you. I can still remember some of the verses and plots. Tak about CORNY!!!

Alice Kildaire said...

I started a lot of diaries, but was never faithful. All that's left is a massive binder full of teenage angst poetry (if you can call it that) and several half-empty notebooks documenting my crazed thoughts during particularly trying times...I have no idea why I keep them.

DJ Cappella said...

We have all been there in life. Looking back at blogs of my own I have to wonder what I was thinking at the time that I became so obsessed with something so trivial.