Monday, December 03, 2007

why bad kissers don't get to second base

Thanks, Angelle, for this excellent CNN story.

The funny thing that we don't think about--it's true!! If the person is a bad kisser, that might be the end of all potential for you, no matter how nice and cool they seemed before. CNN calls the first kiss a "complicated exchange of information." Amen.

According to the article, men tend to use kissing as a means to an end (the end being in the pants, natch) or to "kiss and make up" (literal reconciliation), while women use kissing as a complex mate assessment program.



The Quoibler said...

Oh my gawd... so true, so true.

I once dated a guy in college -- briefly -- whose "method" of kissing could only be described as trying to gobble my mouth with his. It was a total turnoff.

I still refer to hjs technique (or lack thereof) as "puppy humping", though I have no clue why.

I believe he eventually married and had one child. Hm. Wonder if she likes the way he kisses?

Brian said...


Dated a guy who, up until that first kiss, was amazing. Same sense of humor, same interests, etc. Then he kissed me...

First of all, his lips never moved and they were pursed together. It was no different than when one practices kissing one's hand, only there's no where to place one's tongue. To make matters worse, I have TMJ so sometimes my jaw clicks while I kiss. Every time this happened, he would break the kiss, laugh, and tell me it was weird.

I bet you say that to all the boys.


Froog said...

Amongst the reasons why I've hardly ever dated English girls....

American girls, on the other hand.... Wow! I've rarely found them to be anything other than fan-bloody-tastic!

I think you practise more, and from a much younger age.... and probably chat with your girlfriends about it a lot more exchanging tips.

We need training programmes in England, government action. The situation is dire.

The Anti-Wife said...

Kissing is a really important component of the intimacy between two people. Bad kissers can really dampen the mood.

angelle said...

btw did i ever tell you about MY bad kisser story? just really terrible.

Lisa said...

All summer long, I dreamed about him, exchanged long, meaningful looks with him, practiced writing his last name and played softball in the street with him. I was going into 9th grade and he was going into 10th. Then, one magical night, as the fireflies were flickering and the full moon washed over us, it happened -- and he was a disgusting kisser! All my plans! The 2.5 children we'd have -- ruined! Every now and then I wonder what could have been, if only he hadn't tried to gag me with his gigantic, horrible tongue!

Jaye Wells said...

Have you ever seen Dumb and DUmber when Jim Carrey's character latches on to the lady's face? I barely survived such an encounter with a German boy when I was an exchange student.

On the other hand, the first time I kissed Mr. Jaye, I got that shiver in my belly and the voice in my head said "this one."

Bernita said...

Was described as "upper persuasion for lower invasion."
Ah yes, the lamprey types, the I-learned-how-from-my-dog types.
Certainly true for me.

Colorado Writer said...

I totally believe this! What's worse than a big, horrible tongue? A pointy, shy one.

Church Lady said...

Colorado Writer! EWWW!!!
I'm paranoid about how I kiss. I hope it's okay. How can I tell? Since obviously men don't particularly care because it's a means to an end,
ARGH! I need to know!!!

Sarah Hina said...

The waggling head. Like his neck was made of elastic, and I was supposed to just sit there and accept all his reverberations.


Colorado Writer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Colorado Writer said...

Church lady, I think I've forgotten how to kiss now that I'm married, but I think back in the day I was okay.

How can you tell?

I have no idea. Maybe someone single can help with that?

I need to stop typing so fast.

Froog said...

Church Lady, I hope you are just spoofing the argument of the article, rather than seriously expressing an opinion of your own - "obviously men don't particularly care because it's a means to an end."

We do care. It's not only a means to an end. It can be an end in itself. Even when it is a means to another end, that end is often quite remote (you're not usually expecting that a first kiss will lead directly to sex); and even when the end is quite immediate, the means is still pretty damned important in itself.

I'm quite happy to separate kissing and sex. I find kissing to be the most varied, intense, and deeply satisfying of all erotic activities. I can give up sex for quite long periods - but I miss kissing!

This whole 'bad kisser' discussion comes at a particularly unfortunate time for me, because I am on the brink of declaring my interest in a girl I've known for some time and have a huge crush on, but...... she is English, and I'm terrified she's going to turn out to be a lousy kisser.

Charles Gramlich said...

Hum, interesting differences between men and women.

Chumplet said...

Bernita beat me to the lamprey reference. My DH, God love 'im, is one. Sometimes my nose gets trapped and I can't get ANY air!

And saliva... don't get me started.

Church Lady said...

Froog, it was meant tongue-in-cheek. The article wasn't a serious discussion about relationships and gender roles.
Bernita recapped it best with 'upper persuasions for lower invasion.' I just love that!!!

Thanks Colorado Writer, but my husband might get mad. heheehehe

Froog said...

The book I'm currently reading - Alain de Botton's Essays in Love - is chock-full of brilliant observations on this subject, including this one on the ideal of losing yourself in a state of no-thought, and the difficulty sometimes of achieving that:
"I kiss, and therefore I do not think - such is the official myth under which lovemaking takes place, the bedroom a unique space in which partners tacitly agree not to remind one another of the awe-inspiring wonder of their nudity."

OK, that particular passage was about the kiss-as-means-to-initiate -sex (and about the awkwardness that occasionally results from not being able to lose yourself in the moment), but there are lots of fine observations of other aspects of falling in love and other kinds of kissing too. A recommended read.

And - if it's not too egotistical of me - I offer you this short poem on my blog, inspired by the single most perfect kiss I have ever experienced.