Monday, September 17, 2007

FAQ about the Ass

Please let me know if I've forgotten any questions.

1) What is an editorial ass, exactly?

Ass is short for "assistant," but also describes more accurately what exactly is thought of an editorial assistant, and what their job description entails. Any wretched impoverished oaf who ever wants to be an acquisition editor at a publishing company has to start off as an assistant to an editor (or, in most cases, more than one editor). The work and pay is truly Assinine. My dear friend Bluenana coined the term (which perhaps other clever creatures have coined before) back in the days when it looked like we would both be Asses forever.

2) So there's no actual Ass? There's nothing pornographic about your site at all?

Nope, sorry. Nothing at all. Except this, I guess, and maybe this. This is really the only post that prominently features male anatomy. Woops. I guess this one does, too (and this is just a follow-up). Yikes, I forgot this one. But that's it. Overall not really a pornographic site. Oh, wait, wait, there's still this and this. And this. And in the interest of full discloser, I think I should probably come right out there with this, this, this, this, and this. But that's it. Really. Well, this one actually IS pornographic. Just ask the guys on the train. Woops. So is this. But really, other than that the site is totally, um, clean. Oh, for petessake. Just read all the posts.

3) How long have you been an Ass?

Actually, I'm an editor now. I started this blog when the prospects looked bleak, but the publishing gods and goddesses work in extremely unpredictable and often nefarious ways, and now it's ME (or "I" if you're grammatically inclined) editing your books. Nyuk nyuk. Never fear, however. I will always be an Ass at heart.

4) So what's your name, and what's this highly entertaining company you work for?

Tragically, as is the case with many superheros, my identity must remain an enigma. I am supremely mysterious. Certain core details are incontrovertibly true but most stories are deliberately obscure and most characters fudgy composites. Except Robert the Publisher. He's too good to be fiction.

5) I got this weird/confusing/exciting letter/email/phone call/tip from my agent/editor/writer friend/next-door neighbor. Do you, as a publishing industry professional (albeit a rather hapless one), have an opinion?

Yes please--I'm happy to answer any questions about the industry, editing, writing, agents, authors, chocolate, sushi, diverse ethnic foods, etc. I also love tidbits, trivia, and random thought-provoking opinions about industry, editing, writing, diverse ethnic foods, etc. You can leave them in a post comment or, if you would like your identity to be obscured in post, shoot an email to

6) Can I send you my awesome manuscript that I'm trying to find a publisher for?

No, since you don't know who I am so I could therefore never publish it in the real world. Cf #4.

7) Would you rather have a large tray of sushi or a layered gourmet chocolate cake?

Fnnnnn. Why always the DIFFICULT questions?! What is this?!

8) Would you rather lose your right arm up to the elbow or never eat sushi again?

Can it be my left arm, instead?

9) Do you have some kind of weird obsession with moles?

Yes. And that is Mole, the fuzzy four-legged road-crossing critter, not the potentially cancerous witch-adorning growth. The Mole is the symbol of all things good & kind. (S)he is the ultimate example of a creature being karmically balances. Leave off, please. Or JOIN THE RANKS.

10) Why do you drink so much?

I actually don't. It just sounds like I do, because if I have even one glass of, say, gin I start to do silly things.

11) Have you done your laundry yet?

No comment.


Froog said...

I never knew there was some much pornography on your blog!! Another sleazy attempt to boost your readership, you tramp?

1 Frequently Asked (by me, at least) Question you still haven't answered:
What is your interest in photographs taken from the windows of toilets?

moonrat said...

Yes, yes, I am rather a tramp. This post was really more intended to reinforce my anonymity and inability to vet proposals, and the pornography was merely a distracting sideline, but now I've come to understand the truer nature of my blog, etc.

As for your toilet window photos, is your answer not embedded in the above?

angelle said...

yeah. i read that pornography question and i was like.. hmm.. if not porn, someone is certainly pimping her blog.

David L. McAfee said...

Have you done your laundry yet?

moonrat said...

rar. no comment.

Maprilynne said...

Food Porn, I love it!

BTW, I looked up every single link, aren't you proud of me!

Bernita said...

It also comes out as Editoria Lass - which is rather sweet.

Emily said...

It could be that I've only just found this blog, and only just read the most recent post (of substance) and this FAQ, but I think I love you. Can I be your editorial ass? Can I stop abusing the italic tag? Who knows.

At any rate, I look forward to reading the archives. I feel they shall lift me up from the drudgery that is applying again and again to assistantships and hearing back from no one at all. cheers!

The English Clergyman said...

I really like your reading of moles. By which I mean, I really, really, really like your reading of moles. The wonderful furry kind, of course.

This makes me sound sort of creepy, but, I swear, it's just because moles are awesome.

cynthia newberry martin said...

Hey, I wanted to say that I LOVE your "fill in the gaps" project and that the books you've read are in red.

I stopped here briefly about six weeks ago when I was dropping in on a lot of blogs and could not remember where I'd seen it.

But our mutual friend, Lisa Kenney, just brought your list to my attention. I hope to start such a project myself and if I do it on my blog, I will of course link back to you.

What a great idea!

lyndalepress said...

Just want to say 'hi' - I'm a wannabe Ass and I like your writing style :) I'm not great at keeping up with my blog reading but I'm glad I found you via The Perpetual Writer.

Shakespeare Thompson said...

In retail we often joked that Assistant Manager should be abbreviated Ass Man.