Saturday, July 14, 2007

Melanie's house party

For those who couldn't or chose not to come, you missed out.

First of all, Sooby and I brought some awesome Jell-o shots. Most notably, the melon fusion (which was a lovely seagreen) was just sublime. But anyway.

The best part of the party was Lisa Park, Melanie's Korean next-door neighbor. I walked into the party and saw her with Melanie's ex, who is also Korean, and assumed they had come together because they were talking closely. But then she approached me and opened her mouth and (given the ex's Christian tendencies) I was promptly showed I was wrong.

"What a beautiful shirt," she said to me.

"Thanks..." I said. "Melanie gave it to me, as a matter of fact."

"I'm Lisa Park," she said. "What's your name?"

"Moonrat," I told her.

She turned away from me to Sooby. "I'm Lisa Park," she said. "What's your name?"

"Sooby," he answered. After some difficult repeating of his name, she ascertained that he was, in fact, British. "Aw'raight, dahlin'?" she said.

"What?" said Sooby.

"Aw'raight, dahlin'?" she repeated. "I went to England once and that's what the landlady said to me."

"Oh," said Sooby (who is, by the way, in normal conversations, quite a witty conversationalist).

"So you British men are super freaks in bed," she remarked.

"What?!" said Sooby.

"Super freaks?" she asked hopefully.

"Uh... Did you, uh, have a British boyfriend?"

"Just one," she said. "But he wasn't a super freak. I was the freaky one." At that point, like a goldfish, she lost the thread and turned to me. "I'm Lisa Park. What's your name?"

"Moonrat?" I said.

"Oh, I LOVE your shirt. Where did you get it?"

The evening progressed. We all, repeatedly, learned the following tidbits about Lisa Park:

1) She had a red meat fetish, that caused her to be sexually attracted to red meat. Apparently this fetish also carried over to red Jell-o.
2) She had a foot fetish, and particularly liked stroking and sucking toenails.
3) She had a 65-year-old married boyfriend who enjoyed having his ass slapped with a piece of turkey breast during sex and then, after the act was committed, enjoying with his girlfriend the tasty resulting turkey sandwich.
4) She really wanted to sleep with my friend Susan, who was too nice to kick Lisa Park off as she stroked her second toe and stated, repeatedly, "Your second toe is longer than your big toe--that means you must be a really sensual, freaky lover."
5) She, unlike most of the human population, finds the taste of asshole quite pleasant, like "a sesame bagel with rotten cream cheese."

After assuming that Susan and I were together (but not at all feeling deterred in stroking Susan's toe, nonetheless) and being sadly disabused, she walked up to Sooby and asked, point blank, "Are you fucking her?" (words that, as we know, no British gentleman is used to hearing). Then she invited me over to her place to pick up another bottle of wine, but regrettably I was for some reason not inclined. I did hear from others, however, that she has naked pictures of herself all over her living room.

I've been accused of laying down here a character assassination. However, I merely write to entertain, and overall I found this particular evening entertaining. Lesson to my beloved readership: Go light on the booze the day you've given blood, or you shall be irrevocably beset upon by a toe-stroking asshole-licking snowballing serially forgetful abstract artist.


angelle said...

um. wow. looks like i missed a lot.

Live@theGrouchoClub said...

That's great. I only get to meet ordinary people. By the way, I followed through on my blog with writing a story about being really white. Sort of.

Alice Kildaire said... know, it's things like this that remind me I'm actually pretty fucking normal! Thanks for sharing I just need to get the mental image out of my mind before I can enjoy another turkey sandwich!

jalexissmith said...

eww gross

Space Alien said...

I can't even begin to understand what a "red meat fetish" is, or how it relates to her jello fetish.

I wish you had written more about her advances towards Susan, while she was in the arms of her boyfriend. That was one of my favorite parts!

Bluenana said...

My mouth is agape with shock and horror.

I'm afraid that's all I have to contribute here.