Sunday, July 01, 2007

dangers of sunbathing

I don't ever go in the sun. This is because I'm embarrassingly white. I'm whiter than Wonderbread smeared with Fluff. When I sit on the Columbia lawn (as Melanie and I did for about three hours yesterday) everyone in the vicinity has to wear sunglasses lest they go blind from the Sahara sand-like reflective capacity of my white, white legs.

Normally I just hide this all under layers of clothing.

Well anyway, I thought yesterday that maybe, after five years of hiding in shadows and under tents, I could try venturing out into the sun again. Melanie obliged me with lots and lots of sunscreen. Everything felt fine--it was amazing. Only my white, white legs remained unlathered. I thought perhaps I could induce them to have SOME color.

For three hours we sat and watched my legs as flocks of magpies circled overhead, vying for the chance to swoop in. NO COLOR. Three hours at the sunniest time of day, and painfully metalic white they stayed. Quelle sadness.

At last, around 5 pm when Susanne joined us, we suddenly noticed some color. As in, the top surface of my knees and thighs suddenly and precipitously turned LOBSTER RED. Best of all, apparently after applying sunscreen to my shoulders and face I had wiped my greasy hands on my legs.... There are two clear hand prints, one on each shin. Lovely.

No more summery skirts for at least a week.


Live@theGrouchoClub said...

I'm really white too. I got a sunburn in February! Granted I was in Mississippi at the time...but still. Sometimes I walk along rocky shorelines to act as a beacon for oncoming ships.

Rose said...

I am just going to keep posting comments until they are finally addressed. (See: last entry.)

There's nothing wrong with always reflecting light. After 3 weeks of sitting out by my pool and reading, I have finally developed some color...on my front only. My back (half including the back of my legs) is still reflective.

moonrat said...

i'm not addressing your comments lest you stop posting them!!

Live@theGrouchoClub said...

How'd you get into your line of work anyway? I'm doing some editing now of an essentially recreational and pro bono nature for our local non-profit writing center. We're putting together an anthology of the best work of young local writers. So I was just wondering how you went about getting into the publishing industry, since I've enjoyed what I've done so far (Though I've been working on a very small scale and whatnot)

Rose said...

Bah! This is the last comment that this Victorian prostitue shall post until she receives answers.

I DEMAND a rundown of these other "people" who supposedly "work" at your "company."

You should read "Company" by Max Barry. Remind me to bring it to you in August.

Demand #2: A cupcake tour of NYC in August.

moonrat said...

fine. having a weakness for victorian prostitutes and their ilk, i am beaten into submission.