Friday, May 18, 2007

note to agents

Dear Agents,

Yes, it's true--I'm the new kid on the block! That's right, I haven't got any time under my belt, and I'm probably desperate for acquisitions because I need to build my own list.

But, and let me strive to say this as nicely as possible, I am not a fucking moron and the fact that you keep sending me all the projects that have been rejected by every other publisher so that I have to waste my precious time sending you polite rejection letters (because you REALLY deserve my courtesy) makes me REALLY FUCKING MAD.

No, agents--NO ONE wants your debut collections of linked short stories. NO. ONE. Seriously--when was the last time you walked into a book store and said to yourself, "Self, I feel like picking up the latest hot collection of linked short stories by a talented debut author!" That's right. Never. And just because I started acquiring three months ago does not mean that, at the risk of being redundant, I'm a fucking moron who wants to sink her money into that tarpit.

So yes, I'll reject you with the utmost courtesy because I am WELL acquainted with the value of the moral highground. But PLEASE. I would REALLY appreciate it if you could lay off with the wasting of my time.

Thanks for your time and attention.

Best wishes and warmest regards,


ps. This is a special message for you agents (you know who you are) who send me your TRASH and then DARE to get attitude with me when I very politely reject it. You're not so important that I can't write off ever working with you again. And let me tell you--I might be a nobody now but some day YOU'RE going to be the one who regrets your behavior. Trust me on that one.


Tory said...

I came across your blog by accident. I am writing my autobiography at the moment. Who cares, I know. But you are kind of scaring me about trying to sell it. I have no experience, of course, and I will probably never get it sold, but try and give me some hope. After the James Frey fiasco, it really took the wind out of my sails.
By the way, great blog! It looks like
Take care and I'll check in again.

angelle said...

moonrat, you're getting a lot of fans recently. hahaha. pretty soon you're going to be on writer's digest's list of top 100 websites (i read agent blogs from that list). and then i can be like I KNOW HER!

aside from that, i love this little wheel (or ladder) this stupid industry takes. i love that you can reject some nasty agents. those nasty agents are also, conversely, rejecting bad writers. and then bad [sad] writers (like me) can reject.....


boys. yes. i shall reject boys.

and then keep bitterly ghostwriting press releases that i never even get to put my name on.

Alex P said...

Love the attitude. Being at the bottom end of the ladder can suck soem times!

jalexissmith said...

two comments:

#1 Raarrrr!

#2 I just cleaned my bathroom and my mouth tastes like lysol. yuck!

Janet Reid said...

but, but, my collection of linked short stories is so fresh, so new! You don't see ANYTHING like it in stores.

C'mon, I know you want to publish this, you do!

(Why is my computer monitor on fire?)